Testimonials

A Birth Mother’s Story - The true meaning of love

By Bonnie

It is not easy for me to write my story, but I believe it's important for me, even after a year has passed. I became a birth mom at age 18. Being a birth mom is like making the statement: "I gave my child a better life and it wasn't in my best interest but in hers". I've heard words like these from many of the women who share this experience. It is, without a doubt, the most difficult decision I've ever made in my young life.

When I was 17, I attended a community college. I was so young compared to the others at my school. Almost instantly I got caught up in the dating and party scene. I quickly became involved with the future birth father of my beloved daughter. Who knew such serious things could happen? At 17 you feel invincible and almost immortal, as though nothing serious could happen.

Yet something did not seem right. About a month later I went to a teen health center for a pregnancy test. I was counseled about the options of abortion, parenting, and adoption. The counselor kept telling me how lucky I was to live in Illinois where abortions are legal, and that I could have one for $300 or even for free if I didn't have the money. She made it sound so convenient and painless. And then the test came out negative. I now feel blessed that the test results were not correct, or I could have done something rash.

Facing Reality

Four months later my therapist confronted me: “Have you had your period yet?” I hadn’t. All at once, what I had known in the back of my mind became real. I took the pregnancy test again the next morning. This time the reading was positive.

The reality that I was pregnant finally hit me an hour later, and I could not stop crying. My therapist agreed to meet with my parents and me that same day. The therapist, instead of me, told them the news. My parents were supportive, at first. Later, when I discussed the options with my parents, they refused to take any part in my plan to parent my child. They only supported placing my baby for adoption.

My first doctor’s appointment was with the same doctor who had delivered my younger brother and sister. I felt strange making the appointment, because he had been my pediatrician for years. I could hear my baby's heart beat through the microphone he placed on my belly. My due date was Christmas Day.

Considering Options

When I was six months pregnant, I started calling adoption agencies. One agency only did “semi-open” adoptions which had no meetings between the birth mom and the adoptive family, but only letters and pictures of the child every couple of years. At first I thought this was ideal. I felt so outcast and that I didn't deserve to know my child, or even deserve to give birth to her. Everyone made me feel so ashamed of myself. It was only with the strength of God that I got through this time. I had just a few friends who were supportive, and even they had their own concerns. They seemed almost shocked that I wanted to keep her. I didn't really expect anyone around me to understand, but I did want someone to come alongside me and say that I could make my decision without any guilt attached.

My mother told me over and over that she was not ready to help me; she was done raising kids and needed to go back to school herself. She said that I could not raise my child in her house and at the same time said that this was my decision. Talk about cornering me! My father didn't know what to say, I think he didn’t want to cause any commotion with my mother, yet this wasn’t easy for him and he wanted only the best for me. I believe that my mother felt she should not become too attached or involved so she wouldn’t feel the pain and help me make the “right” decision. Yet I needed them and felt sad and alone. I can honestly say I'm still trying to forgive my family for their absence.

Wanting to Parent

Even through the emotional turmoil, I still wanted to give my daughter the best start to her life. I took fish oil capsules along with my prenatal vitamins. I did Pilates exercises and read and sang to her. I talked to her and let her know everything was going to be okay. When I felt her kicking and thought she felt my pain, I would comfort her until I knew she was at rest. I played Mozart and Bach to calm her, having been taught that music helps the baby's brain develop.

When I was 7 months pregnant, I decided her birth father needed to know. The meeting was scary. I told him my plans for an adoption and said if he wanted to be involved he could be. He only cared that the baby would be named after his grandmother, which was his family’s tradition. In the end, he took no part. I was so hurt by his absence and his family’s absence. I even tried to talk sense into them. They just kept their distance, which hurt me to the core. My own family also kept me at arm’s length. Even at my doctor’s office this distancing happened, as they hid the birthing classes from me even though I had signed up months before. I attended the last class and felt completely out of place. I was surrounded by couples who kept looking at me, judging me because I was alone.

Making my decision

After the meeting, the nurse talked to me for a long time. She made me realize, why would I want to bring my daughter into a life situation that was so unsupportive? I felt alone and helpless. I knew I couldn't give my baby everything I wanted for her. I couldn't even support myself financially, let alone a child. And my parents weren't ready to help us. As harsh as this realization was, the answer became more and more clear. I grieved for my baby that night, as if it was my own life, and woke up feeling that I could be doing the best thing to let her be adopted. In my 9th month I met couples that I had heard of "through the grapevine". With the help of Family Resource Center, I chose one couple and felt very good about them almost instantly. They felt like a perfect match.

I was almost two weeks over due, and even tried to induce my own labor. I felt as though my baby knew somehow that these would be our last days together. I secretly didn't want to give birth yet either, so we couldn't be separated. But it happened. On January 2nd my labor began around 5:00 a.m. I was checked into Highland Park Hospital around 11:00 p.m. and was in so much pain. The birth wasn't progressing; it was as though she didn't want to come out. I could feel her and kept crying, not in physical pain, but in my heartache for her. I ended up getting an epidural after they gave me Pitocin to speed up the labor, but there was no epidural for my sadness.

About 43 hours later, I gave birth on January 4th at 12:08 a.m. The baby was so beautiful! She just kept looking at me and I kept smiling down at her. I met my little girl who would change my life forever. God was in the room that beautiful morning. I named my daughter Angelina Faye. Even though I knew her name would be changed, that was my name for her. It meant "little angel". During my three days of bliss and breastfeeding, my mom had turned into a grandma and felt so happy, along with the rest of my family. But we all knew this happiness was going to be short lived. When the third day arrived, I went to pieces. The adoptive parents and I signed the adoption contract and I spent my last hours with Angelina. I thought I was going to die of sadness when it was time for her to go. She went to sleep and they took her away, as I tried to compose myself for the parents and for my mother. It is hard for me to write about this day because it's so painful to remember.

After the surrenders were signed and time moved on, things became a little better. I've seen the baby about 4 times. It has not been easy, but it helps to see what a blessing I've given her with great adoptive parents and a secure life. The best gift the parents have given to me is their openness. I have felt panic and uncertainty about this decision, but when I see the baby I am comforted. I am eager to see her blossom into a woman, to know me and understand that I loved her before she was born. I think of her every day, sometimes all day, because she is the reason I get up in the morning now and do well in my life. She is the reason that I can say I am okay today and I love her very much.

In working with Family Resource Center you have many options and your choices will always be respected. If you would like to talk with someone who truly understands the decisions that you are facing, call us at (773) 334-2300 or toll free at (800) 676-2229. If you prefer to contact us online click here.